Sometimes the only way I can act on something that I really want to do (or have to do) is by clouding my mind to a certain extent. The conflicting thoughts that I’m always talking about get the best of me. The contradictions. Knowing that I have to do something, and having many sound reasons to do it, but then being dissuaded by thoughts that are much less sound, but impactful nonetheless as they are brimming with emotion. It has this very bothersome push-and-pull effect on me. It’s what causes the heftiest distortion in my memory.
If only there was a way to accurately remember things. To somehow keep memories “as is.” No distortion. If only I can remember a memory (or set of memories) and experience it full- with exactness in emotion and the thoughts it instantly induced.
Unfortunately, that’s not how the world operates, and I’m sure there’s a reason our experiences are toned down with time. My journal entries are full of exclamations such as:
“Please don’t forget that this happened!”
“Remember this moment!”
“Remember the intensity of emotion!”
“When reading this in the future, you won’t be able to understand how intense it is!”
“Please remember how I’m feeling right now!”
But, unfortunately, I don’t really have control over what I remember and how I remember. The ugly truth is that the more time passes, the less I remember (sounds stupidly simple.) I have used proclaimers, like the samples ones from my journal above, to somehow serve as a timeless reminder. I’ve created a “black list” in my journal, notating the names of people I forever want to keep a distance from. I’ve also tried my best to highlight distressful moments, pleading with my future self to not forget the reflections that were spawned.
I’ve also tried to made clear where I never want to work, who I never want to work with, who I need to keep a distance from, how wonderful my college years were, how great some people are, who I want to show gratitude to for the rest of my life, who I want to help, who I want to oppose, what I would like my personality to be like, what I don’t want to become, and so on. As time passes, I may not fully understand why I made such a radical plead, but I accept what I can’t necessarily remember fully. I also understand that these pleads were made as “last resort only.”
These denouements are assured and serve as guidance, and the time has come to really adhere to them.