Sometimes I write silly quick notes that I decide not to expand on or share with anyone.
Last night, as I was listening to music and simultaneously walking around my tiny studio apartment, I wrote:
“I mourn every day that passes”
When I woke up this morning, I reflected back and decided it’d be silly for me to write more about it publicly.
But it’s nighttime again and this is when I’m most reflective and sentimental, and now I wish I expanded on the note I wrote last night.
It’s weird- there’s an unhinging seriousness to my personality when I wake up and then a careless, silly, sentimental, and child-like version of myself that comes out in the night.
I don’t really know why that is, but both versions of myself are dominant.
Nighttime Zaid ridicules the blind seriousness of daytime Zaid. Similarly, daytime Zaid ridicules the childish silliness of nighttime Zaid.
I’m sure I’ll wake up tomorrow, read this blog, and think to myself: “ugh, stupid Zaid, what were you thinking last night? It’s so very silly of you. What are you even doing? Why are you exposing your thoughts like that? In a horrendously public way. To the internet! The whole world!”
But, then again, I fear that if I don’t expose my thoughts, they’ll eventually fade into oblivion.
If it weren’t for the daytime version of myself, I’m absolutely certain I would have written many more blogs and extensively worked on the animated cartoon of my life.
If it weren’t for the nighttime version of myself, I would have put more focus and effort into figuring out success in the traditional business world. I’m sure I would’ve cemented something by now.
Back in February 09, 2018, I wrote a note of something my father said to me:
“One bird in your hand is better than ten birds on a tree.”
I’ve been trying to do too many things at once- drastically different things. But in order to focus on one thing (or things of the same group), I’d have to choose between the nighttime version of myself and the daytime version of myself, and I don’t think I have the strength to choose between the two.
If I choose the daytime version of myself:
I’d be going to bed dreamless. I don’t know how I’d be able to do it- sounds disgustingly structured. Like a robot; I absolutely cannot imagine myself going to sleep without chuckling at the deep reflections generated in my mind.
If I choose the nighttime version of myself:
I simply wouldn’t have the strength to deal with life’s ugly truths. In order to find success in business or with my interpersonal ties, I need to trick my mind into thinking rigidly.
Tough situation. I need to figure things out. It’s another internal battle.