I’ve had the self-awareness for a long time now to know that I tend to romanticize the past and future. It’s both good and bad.
Unfortunately, I’ve been expecting reality to line up with my ideals.
I lament the missed opportunities caused by my heightened expectations. Don’t get me wrong- even to this day, I know I could achieve what I thought I could achieve back then, but my approach should have been totally different.
I’m well aware of what my weaknesses and strengths are and I based my expectations on that knowledge. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough. There were so many moving variables involved. For one, I should have had a long-term outlook, but I wanted instant gratification. It’s the most childish part of my personality.
I want things fast, partly because I’m always fretful that I’m running out of time. I also haven’t been contained. I haven’t been as stoic as I’d like to be.
Most importantly, I’ve positioned myself wrongly. I’m not in-place right now. I don’t fit.
On the other hand, the sentimentalization of my life has served as medicine for quite some time now. It keeps me sane and grounded. Paradoxically, it’s what makes me more stoic- and to be honest I’m not sure I would ever refer to my thoughts about the past and future as “exaggerated.” Who is to stay they’re exaggerated?
Everything changes. All our experiences become memories. I’ve gone through very different phases/chapters in my life and I’ve somehow always been able to tell when a chapter is about to come to an end and become part of the ‘past.’
The past is special to me because it’s gone in its original form forever. Similarly, the future is special because it too will at some point in time be gone forever.
It’s really hard to put into words what I’m trying to say. I have to go sleep, it’s 11:45 PM right now.